R.A.M Home Healthy Relationships

Alarm bells

In my junior year of college, I met a young man in the cafeteria. After a great conversation we exchanged numbers. Well I accidentally gave him my home phone number which resulted in a rather hilarious back and forth between him, my mom and me. 

Anyway, we finally managed to get on our first date. To me it seemed everything a first date should be. Relaxed and fun with us playing a game while talking and getting to know each other. Everything seemed perfect…. until he called the next day to setup our next date and tell me he was in love with me. 

Well, to say the least, it scared me, and I wasn't completely sure why it did. Why would I be unhappy that a young man told me he loved me. It wasn’t until I learned about the RAM model, which is discussed below, that I realized why such a declaration set of alarm bells.

It is so important that we teach our children about healthy relationships, by example as well as talking to them. By knowing what to expect it will make it easier for them, and us, to recognize red flags and then either fix the problems or get out of a bad situation. 

What is a Healthy Relationship?

We all have ideas what a healthy relationship is, usually built from our own relationship experience or what we have seen in other couples relationships. For the sake of having a definition we found a study that defined a healthy relationship is one where both partners have “skills of insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. . .”.

They specify how people need the “ability to think about the self, others, and relationships in a manner that shows (a) awareness of one's own and one's (potential) partner's needs, goals, motivations, and effects on others; (b) awareness of causes and consequences of behavior; and (c) ability to learn from experience.”

Those that have those three abilities “make better relationship decisions, experience greater security and satisfaction in their relationships, and be protected from symptoms of depression and anxiety” (Davila, 2017). If you are interested in reading more from this article, click here.

The R.A.M

After doing reading and research from various professionals in psychology and therapy we found that Dr. John Van Epp’s book, How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk, has some valuable principles of a healthy relationship that will last. In this book he offers some guidelines that can lead to a healthy relationship and also give insight as to where an unhealthy one is going wrong.

The RAM model is a series of five dynamics that should progress after the other in a dating relationship or courtship. If you follow these five steps in the right order your relationship is more likely to last and be healthy. The first step in this series is the “know” stage. In this stage you are spending time with this person and getting to know them. You ask them questions and talk about your interests, fears, your past, your dreams for the future etc..

The next stage is “trust.” Why would you trust someone you don’t know that well. It makes sense to go in this order. As you build emotional intimacy and get to know a person you naturally will start to build trust with them and eventually be able to rely on them. Rely is the third stage in the RAM model. As you get to know someone and trust them, reliance grows within the both of you.

The fourth stage is “commitment”. It is very common for young couples to commit to new people before they barely know the person out of infatuation. They dive in head first and give their all and sometimes give too much. When the stages get out of order it can cause heart ache and suffering.

The final stage is “touch.” Physical intimacy in a committed relationship is one of the greatest things. It brings two people closer to each other and creates a strong bond all because of the wonderful chemicals, dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals cause you to become addicted to each other. You can’t stop thinking about the other person and you want to spend all your time with them.

One of our authors have a story about how physical touch can get in the way of getting to know each other.

I met someone while cleaning the I-center. We flirted for a bite and then he asked me on a date afterwards. We talked a lot and I was able to get to know him well. During the movie he reached out and took my hand. 

As our dates went we kissed by the third date. It was too fast though. Our touch being to high compared to the other areas of a relationship. Only when he went away and we began a long distance relationship did I realized we needed to get to know each other more. It did not work out but I learned a lot about waiting for a bit before becoming physically involved in a relationship.

There is a “safe zone” in the RAM model. This means that you are following the order of the five dynamics, but that you also keep them in balance. For example, keeping the levels of knowledge above trust, the level of trust above rely, the level of rely above commit, and the level of commit above touch. When you get out of balance, it can cause an unhealthy relationship to develop.

Because it takes a few months for two people to begin to get to know each other, to notice behavior patterns or red flags, it is important to take your time. Take your time to learn about each other. If you give too much of yourself or show too much vulnerability too soon, you put yourself at a higher risk of an unhealthy and painful relationship.

Now that you know of the RAM model you may be able to identify characteristics within your relationship, or your child’s relationships, that may need to be adjusted. The RAM model is a wonderful guide for healthy relationship that not only will help you find that special someone but help you make it work!

Introducing....us!!!

Introductions

Hi, I'm Ashley Porter. I grow up in Pleasant Grove, Utah. I grew up in a family of 8, it was fun to have lots of sibling and it was always busy with sports games and school activities. I have been married for about year and a half to my best friend. He's an Idaho boy and I think he's converted me to living in Idaho for the rest of our lives.

Hello! I’m Brittany Baird. I have been married to my amazing husband for almost three months now but it feels so much longer than that! I am from Mesa Arizona and I attend Brigham Young University- Idaho in Rexburg. I love this cute small town but I can’t wait to graduate and move back to Arizona. I study marriage and family and hope to educate others about healthy relationships and family life. I am passionate about protecting families from the threats the world throws at them.




I am Sapphire Moosman. Currently I am a Child Development major and considering  a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. I grew up in a small town in eastern Idaho called Driggs nestled in Teton Valley.  Along with myself, my parents raised my four siblings. We spent our childhood playing with our cousins who lived just next door in the pastures, woods and creeks that surrounded our home. I have been very blessed to be raised in a home where my parents had a strong, healthy relationship and I hope to pass on some of the wisdom I have learned from them and from my education about good, wholesome relationships.


I am Annie Rigby. I was born and raised in Rexburg, Idaho and I have never moved in my life. Currently I am a Marriage and Family Studies major and considering a masters degree as a children’s counselor in a school. I am in my senior year. I grew up in a family of five. I have three sisters, one brother, and I'm the youngest. I also have six nieces and three nephews, which I enjoy being an aunt to them. They call me nanny Annie when I babysit my nieces and nephews. It's fun to have a big family where we travel and do fun outdoor activities. I love country dancing, music, running, and spending time with friends and family. I love learning in this
major, which is important for our future lives.

Our Concern

Almost all of us have had that lesson. Often known at "the Talk." Whether an awkward conversation with our parents where neither of us could make eye contact or in a middle or high school health class full of other teenagers, furtive glances and nervous laughter. That or we did not have it at all.

Sex education for pre-teens and teenagers is important as they gradually become acclimated into society. It is a necessary step to ensure they make wise choices for their overall well-being. Since the 1960’s most states in the US have policies to integrate sex and STD education into the curriculum of their schools. Despite this though we are still seeing major problems with sexual activity in people of all ages.

We did some research and found these statics about various sexual and relationship issues:

Teenage Sexual Activity

The Center of Disease Control (CDC) did a survey in 2017 on teenage sexual behaviors and found that:

• 40% were sexually active
• 10% had four or more sexual partners.
• 7% were unwilling but forced to have sexual intercourse.
• 30% had sexual intercourse in the three months before the survey. Of that group 46% did not use a condom, 14% had no contraception and 19% had used drugs or alcohol before intercourse.

Sexually Transmitted Disease

The CDC also has collected data on sexually transmitted disease and found that:

• Young adults between 13 and 24 account for 21% for all new HIV diagnoses.
• In 2000 the cases of Syphilis went from 31,618 to 101,567 in 2017
• Chlamydia has continued to increase from 7,584 people in 1984 to 1,708,569 people in 2017
• Cases Gonorrhea has gone from 363,136 in 2000 to 555,608 in 2017
• Chancroid is one of the few STD cases that have decreased. From 4,212 cases in 1990 to 7 in 2017

Domestic Violence

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) state:

• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.
• Almost half of female (46.7%) and male (44.9%) victims of rape in the United States were raped by an acquaintance. Of these, 45.4% of female rape victims and 29% of male rape victims were raped by an intimate partner.
• 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female.
• 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence

Cohabitation

• Women who cohabit are twice as likely to multiple head, neck or face injuries, and have a higher risk of multiple methods of physical abuse. 
• 90% of abuse happens to those that cohabit. Only 10% happens within marriages.
• In the Journal of Marriage and Family we found, Cohabitors tend to report poorer marital quality and experience more instability in their marriage than those who do not cohabit
• We researched the effects of cohabitation on children and found children born to cohabiting parents are more likely to suffer from social and emotional problems and are more likely to have lower academic success.

Fatherless

https://www.jstor.org/stable/3069659?seq=2#metadata_info_tab_contents state:

• A 1998 Wall street journal article states that fatherless sons are more likely to grow up with reckless and violent tendencies.
• Children that grow up without both parents don’t have as much parental, economic, and community resources, which makes chances of success in the future more difficult to achieve.
• Children do worse in life on average when they grow up without a parent.

• https://doi.org/10.3149/jms.0701.3,  Studies show that if a father has a religious affiliation he is more likely to be involved in his child's upbringing.

Our Proposed Remedy

That is a lot of depressing information that are related to sexual activity in some manner. We, the authors, believe that sex education is lacking. It is still important but for teenagers and adults to make wise choices they need to know more than how to prevent pregnancy or the risks of sexual activity.

Which is why we are proposing Relationship Education. Each week we will be posting articles to help inform on healthy relationships. Some of these articles will cover threats and issues in relationships touched on above. Others will be laying out what a healthy relationship and tips on how to strengthen a relationship.

If there is a topic or area you would like us to research and write about please feel free to comment below. We also welcome any other comments about how we can make these articles a more enriching and educational experience.