The Five Love Languages in Relationships

Annie Rigby

12/12/18 Family 460

Five Love Languages

    The five love languages are so important and knowing how they can help in any relationship, so you can get to know your partner better is great. The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. The first one Words of Affirmation means you use words to affirm other people. The second one Acts of Service means people know actions speak louder than words. Receiving Gifts love language means what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift. Quality Time is giving all your undivided attention to the other person. The last love language Physical Touch is nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.

   My love languages that I discovered in order were Words of Affirmation, Quality time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Everyone’s love languages are in a different order. I know that Words of Affirmation is my strongest love language because I like when a person compliments me, tells me how they feel in person, and it affirms to me that they care. I love spending Quality time with people because it helps me to get to know the person better by doing anything together. I grow to love the person or relationship I am in more by quality time, I attach easier. Watching a movie with a person is fun.  In Acts of service I love this because when someone serves me I feel good and when I serve them we both feel blessed. Physical touch I believe is tied with service because as I have had more dating experiences it is nice. I know you have to use the RAM model to stay in line when dating seriously. Receiving gifts was last for me because I don’t feel that I need gifts all the time, it’s not as important to me as communication and quality time with the person. I believe that gifts don’t last as long.

    I have had many experiences with the love languages that have helped in my dating life where you might have similarities or differences with the person you date. I believe these 5 love languages can
help you in any relationship you’re in. I hope you can take the quiz to figure out what five love languages fit for your life. I know that by knowing your love languages it can help you in a relationship to discover if you’re more opposite or more alike. I know these love languages give you knowledge of your personality type and to find love. Once you know your love languages you can teach it to your partner.

    I know for me by understanding my own love languages it has helped the men that I date know what I like and then I can know what he likes. I know these five love languages can be beneficial for your life because it has been for me. I challenge you to take the quiz to know what love languages you’re then understand what your partner needs as well. These five love languages are amazing and I hope you can use them more in your life.

Say Whaaaaaaa? : The Importance of Effective Communication

I stared at the screen in dismay as I read the message one of my friends had sent me. Once again there had been a misunderstanding between her and the guy she was seeing, who was also a good friend of mine. He had accused her of lying to him without really listening or allowing her to explain before leaving for the night. Unfortunately, it was not the first time something like this had happened between my two good friends and I ached for both of them as she explained to me what happened.

When a romantic relationship goes sour it is not uncommon to hear one or both of the individuals who were involved to say it was because they did not talk to each other or understand each other. The root of many issues in relationships begin with communication or the lack thereof. Communication skills are one of the most valuable things you can learn to help you strengthen the relationship with the one you love. So today let’s delve into what communication is and some skills we can practice.

What is Communication?
In the popular romantic comedy “Hitch” the main character played by Will Smith says, “Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth.”

Hollywood certainly did their research for that one because it is accurate. In a book called Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy it states that 50 to 80 percent of the meaning we communicate is nonverbal. ( (Robert H. Lauer, 2012) This means that a good percentage of what you say is through your body language as well as your tone.

You probably see this all the time. Saying “I love you,” accompanied with hand holding and gentle eyes really helps communicate the meaning. However, if the same phrase is said sarcastically, with crossed arms and rolled eyes, it takes on an entirely different meaning.

So, when we say communication, we do not just mean the words that come out of your mouth but everything that gives meaning to your words.

Communication Skills
Now that we have defined communication lets lay out some skills that we can take away and work on with our significant others.

Say what you mean and mean what you say
Since much of what we say is communicated non-verbally, as communicators, it is important to watch not only what we say but how we say it. What is our tone like? What about our body language? Make sure what is coming out of our mouth all matches up. Otherwise it communicates confusing and contradictory messages.

When having an important conversation avoid ordering, threatening, moralizing, providing solutions, ridiculing, accusing, analyzing or interrogating. To sum up, do not do to someone what would drive you crazy if it was done to you. All of those tactics can put someone on the defense very quickly which can impede communication.

Timing is important. I have often heard the phrase do not go to bed angry, but I feel it can be just as damaging to a relationship to try and talk when you are both angry, hungry, tired, or anxious. Sometimes it is better to wait for. Make sure and reflect on your mental, physical and emotional state as well as your partners before having an important conversation.

Listening
It takes two to tango. The same is true when communicating. The communicator is only doing part of the job. The other part is the receiver of the information. Too often people do not truly listen to the other person when they are talking to each other and it can cause many misunderstandings and conversations that go nowhere.

So how do we become good listeners? Here are some suggestions from Madelyn Burley-Allen a social science researcher.

1)      Be an active listener.  Watch your partner in order to pay more attention to what they are saying and pick up nonverbal cues. Maintain eye contact and respond with “I see,” or “I understand” or just nodding to let your partner know that you are listening to them.

2)      Do not get distracted. Distraction can be external such as a t.v. going in the background or internal such as something that happened during your day. Make an effort to put all distractions aside so you can be an active listener.

3)      Have self-control. Have a grip on your own emotions and thoughts. Often when someone is talking we automatically start thinking about our response and what we are going to say when it is our turn. Resist that urge so that you can listen properly.

4)      Make sure to clarify. Ask questions to make sure you are understanding what your partner is communicating accurately. Not only to questions help clarify what they are saying but it also lets your partner know that you are listening and paying attention.

5)      Summarize. You think faster than you can talk. Use this to process what your partner has said and then paraphrase or summarize what they said back to them. Like the questions it helps make sure you are both on the same page.

6)      Practice. You won’t learn these skills simply by reading this list. Now go out and practice them. Work on being an active, effective listener when you are conversing with your significant other and others. Eventually you will see an improvement in your relationships.

This list as well as other researchers that are referenced in this post can be found in the book listed at the bottom.

It can be frustrating when the other person does not listen in return. Be a role mode of what a good listener is and it will help teach the other person.

Happy Ending
I am happy to say that the friends I talked about at the beginning of the story are doing better. After they had both calmed down they came back together to talk it through until he understood what was happening and where she was coming from. She also made an effort to understand why he had been upset about the incident so she could communicate to him in a way that would help him understand.

I hope you all have learned something. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to share.

Good luck and work hard at your relationships. J

 Robert H. Lauer, J. C. (2012). Marriage & Family: A Quest for Intimacy. New York: McGraw-Hill.

The ABC's of Developing a Romantic Relationship

Most people date to marry.  When you date without the purpose of marriage in the future you are likely going to waste your time or have your heart broken. Dating without the mindset of no future with your partner can cause one person or both to not put as much work into the relationship. Just make sure each of you are always on the same page with your future goals. 

There are five steps in meeting, dating and eventually marrying someone. I will go over them each briefly. 

A. Awareness of or acquaintance with another person. 

In this first stage you are deciding whether or not this person may or may not be attractive to you. You are deciding whether or not you would like to go on a date with them too. Beyond just physical attributes it is important to think of what you are looking for in a partner that will being you lasting happiness, such as kindness, forgiving, willing to give self and desire to teach your children, if or when that time comes. 

Remember, confrontation is important and the easiest way to get someones attention or know how someone feels about you.  This leads you into the..

B. Buildup phase

You've worked up the courage and have gone out on the first date! A date is NOT texting the person an hour before and asking them "what do you want to do." It is not picking them up and taking them to your place to watch a movie. A date is planned ahead and paired off. It is common for young adults to want to develop a close friendship with each other before developing a serious relationship. Having a close friendship with someone before seriously dating them is very beneficial to the relationship. On a basic level you need a fundamental ground of common interests and goals. You have unconditional love for your best friend as you should for your partner. Everyone want to be with someone whom they can laugh with and have fun with. 

In this stage the couple is also developing feelings of love for each other. Be sure to develop mature love and not immature love. 

Immature love is...                   Mature love is...

possessiveness                           Lasting passion

jealously                                    Warm feeling of contentment 

Anxiety                                      Creates environment of growth and development 

selfish                                         Allows partner space for growth               

lustful                                         Belief that "Love is something you have to decide"

over-dependent                          Commitment 

belief that "love is                      Trust

beyond our control"                   Sharing

or "love is blind"                        Sacrifice 

C. Commitment and continuation into a successful marriage 

In this stage the couple should be open with each other about their doubts and insecurities. serious talk about marriage is discussed in this stage. When the couple does not openly discuss what stage they would like to go into next they risk "sliding" into it instead if deliberate going into it.  An example is a couple rushing into sexual intimacy or having a baby and "deciding" to get married but not fully wanting that or committing to it. 

D. Deterioration or ending of a relationship

All relationships are going to end in marriage or breaking up. Breaking up is never easy, especially when serious talk about the future was discussed, or love took place, but it's important to remember that everyone you date prepares you for your next relationship and prepares you for marriage.

When transitioning between the stages, ask yourself..

Do we know enough about each other ?

Do we like what we have learned ?

Do we communicate well ?

Do we like spending time together ?

One last thing

If you do plan to marry someone be sure to take your time planning your future more than your wedding. Take your time to get to know your friends or partner and don't rush anything, and have fun. 

 

Thinking Twice about Sex: Why to Say 'No'

I remember watching popular movies when I was younger with my friends such as The Notebook or Valentine’s Day. As I watched I remember being so excited to have a husband one day that I’m crazy about that I can be with all the time. 

But looking back, I remember what those movies were about getting attention from the opposite sex and having sex. It’s disheartening that these character’s lives of infidelity and premarital sex have become normalized and very common in our culture. Good looks have become more important than moral standards and personality. Going to straight to sex is normal compared to dating and marriage.

So why is infidelity and being sexually active before marriage such a big deal if it’s so common?

It’s such a big deal because having sex with someone that you don’t even know or haven’t fully committed to through marriage creates attachment between the two of you. Your body releases chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin and norepinephrine that make you attracted to the other person and that makes you feel good. Sex was meant to be within the bounds of marriage to bring a couple together and to bring children into the world. 

We see that children are becoming sexually active earlier and earlier and that there has been an increase in STD and HIV’s. Being sexually active will affect their lives forever! When people have sex, it influences and changes them. It changes the way their brain processes.

If a couple, or even two people that have just met, jump straight to sex there is no relationship history that they have to make that meaningful. It’s empty. They are left with feelings of guilty and loneliness. To feel loved and accepted they then have to have sex with some else. But, when it’s with a spouse their marriage is filled with meaning and is strengthened.

If someone chooses to have sex outside of marriage, and perhaps with multiple partners, it’s important to take steps that will keep them protected from disease and even pregnancy if the partners can’t give the proper care to that child. Condoms and birth control will lower the chances of pregnancy and disease.

As a woman, and as a future mother, I want to impower woman and men to know that having abstinence gives you power. There is power in saying no. If someone only wants sex, which sadly has become a norm, and you give them sex, that’s that. They don’t want sex to be closer to you or to show love, it’s all infatuation and lust after your body. Don’t give that away! You have something beautiful that should be saved for your spouse and no one else. 

As we decide to have abstinence and decide to date and get to know people before being sexually active, we will develop self-control and respect for the opposite sex. We can make a difference in this world where moral values have decreased as we take a stand and say no. By saying no we are influencing future generations for good. We are preventing children from being born in a situation that wouldn't be the best for their development. We are helping our nation to see the importance of family. We can make a difference; one family at a time.

R.A.M Home Healthy Relationships

Alarm bells

In my junior year of college, I met a young man in the cafeteria. After a great conversation we exchanged numbers. Well I accidentally gave him my home phone number which resulted in a rather hilarious back and forth between him, my mom and me. 

Anyway, we finally managed to get on our first date. To me it seemed everything a first date should be. Relaxed and fun with us playing a game while talking and getting to know each other. Everything seemed perfect…. until he called the next day to setup our next date and tell me he was in love with me. 

Well, to say the least, it scared me, and I wasn't completely sure why it did. Why would I be unhappy that a young man told me he loved me. It wasn’t until I learned about the RAM model, which is discussed below, that I realized why such a declaration set of alarm bells.

It is so important that we teach our children about healthy relationships, by example as well as talking to them. By knowing what to expect it will make it easier for them, and us, to recognize red flags and then either fix the problems or get out of a bad situation. 

What is a Healthy Relationship?

We all have ideas what a healthy relationship is, usually built from our own relationship experience or what we have seen in other couples relationships. For the sake of having a definition we found a study that defined a healthy relationship is one where both partners have “skills of insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. . .”.

They specify how people need the “ability to think about the self, others, and relationships in a manner that shows (a) awareness of one's own and one's (potential) partner's needs, goals, motivations, and effects on others; (b) awareness of causes and consequences of behavior; and (c) ability to learn from experience.”

Those that have those three abilities “make better relationship decisions, experience greater security and satisfaction in their relationships, and be protected from symptoms of depression and anxiety” (Davila, 2017). If you are interested in reading more from this article, click here.

The R.A.M

After doing reading and research from various professionals in psychology and therapy we found that Dr. John Van Epp’s book, How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk, has some valuable principles of a healthy relationship that will last. In this book he offers some guidelines that can lead to a healthy relationship and also give insight as to where an unhealthy one is going wrong.

The RAM model is a series of five dynamics that should progress after the other in a dating relationship or courtship. If you follow these five steps in the right order your relationship is more likely to last and be healthy. The first step in this series is the “know” stage. In this stage you are spending time with this person and getting to know them. You ask them questions and talk about your interests, fears, your past, your dreams for the future etc..

The next stage is “trust.” Why would you trust someone you don’t know that well. It makes sense to go in this order. As you build emotional intimacy and get to know a person you naturally will start to build trust with them and eventually be able to rely on them. Rely is the third stage in the RAM model. As you get to know someone and trust them, reliance grows within the both of you.

The fourth stage is “commitment”. It is very common for young couples to commit to new people before they barely know the person out of infatuation. They dive in head first and give their all and sometimes give too much. When the stages get out of order it can cause heart ache and suffering.

The final stage is “touch.” Physical intimacy in a committed relationship is one of the greatest things. It brings two people closer to each other and creates a strong bond all because of the wonderful chemicals, dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals cause you to become addicted to each other. You can’t stop thinking about the other person and you want to spend all your time with them.

One of our authors have a story about how physical touch can get in the way of getting to know each other.

I met someone while cleaning the I-center. We flirted for a bite and then he asked me on a date afterwards. We talked a lot and I was able to get to know him well. During the movie he reached out and took my hand. 

As our dates went we kissed by the third date. It was too fast though. Our touch being to high compared to the other areas of a relationship. Only when he went away and we began a long distance relationship did I realized we needed to get to know each other more. It did not work out but I learned a lot about waiting for a bit before becoming physically involved in a relationship.

There is a “safe zone” in the RAM model. This means that you are following the order of the five dynamics, but that you also keep them in balance. For example, keeping the levels of knowledge above trust, the level of trust above rely, the level of rely above commit, and the level of commit above touch. When you get out of balance, it can cause an unhealthy relationship to develop.

Because it takes a few months for two people to begin to get to know each other, to notice behavior patterns or red flags, it is important to take your time. Take your time to learn about each other. If you give too much of yourself or show too much vulnerability too soon, you put yourself at a higher risk of an unhealthy and painful relationship.

Now that you know of the RAM model you may be able to identify characteristics within your relationship, or your child’s relationships, that may need to be adjusted. The RAM model is a wonderful guide for healthy relationship that not only will help you find that special someone but help you make it work!

Introducing....us!!!

Introductions

Hi, I'm Ashley Porter. I grow up in Pleasant Grove, Utah. I grew up in a family of 8, it was fun to have lots of sibling and it was always busy with sports games and school activities. I have been married for about year and a half to my best friend. He's an Idaho boy and I think he's converted me to living in Idaho for the rest of our lives.

Hello! I’m Brittany Baird. I have been married to my amazing husband for almost three months now but it feels so much longer than that! I am from Mesa Arizona and I attend Brigham Young University- Idaho in Rexburg. I love this cute small town but I can’t wait to graduate and move back to Arizona. I study marriage and family and hope to educate others about healthy relationships and family life. I am passionate about protecting families from the threats the world throws at them.




I am Sapphire Moosman. Currently I am a Child Development major and considering  a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. I grew up in a small town in eastern Idaho called Driggs nestled in Teton Valley.  Along with myself, my parents raised my four siblings. We spent our childhood playing with our cousins who lived just next door in the pastures, woods and creeks that surrounded our home. I have been very blessed to be raised in a home where my parents had a strong, healthy relationship and I hope to pass on some of the wisdom I have learned from them and from my education about good, wholesome relationships.


I am Annie Rigby. I was born and raised in Rexburg, Idaho and I have never moved in my life. Currently I am a Marriage and Family Studies major and considering a masters degree as a children’s counselor in a school. I am in my senior year. I grew up in a family of five. I have three sisters, one brother, and I'm the youngest. I also have six nieces and three nephews, which I enjoy being an aunt to them. They call me nanny Annie when I babysit my nieces and nephews. It's fun to have a big family where we travel and do fun outdoor activities. I love country dancing, music, running, and spending time with friends and family. I love learning in this
major, which is important for our future lives.

Our Concern

Almost all of us have had that lesson. Often known at "the Talk." Whether an awkward conversation with our parents where neither of us could make eye contact or in a middle or high school health class full of other teenagers, furtive glances and nervous laughter. That or we did not have it at all.

Sex education for pre-teens and teenagers is important as they gradually become acclimated into society. It is a necessary step to ensure they make wise choices for their overall well-being. Since the 1960’s most states in the US have policies to integrate sex and STD education into the curriculum of their schools. Despite this though we are still seeing major problems with sexual activity in people of all ages.

We did some research and found these statics about various sexual and relationship issues:

Teenage Sexual Activity

The Center of Disease Control (CDC) did a survey in 2017 on teenage sexual behaviors and found that:

• 40% were sexually active
• 10% had four or more sexual partners.
• 7% were unwilling but forced to have sexual intercourse.
• 30% had sexual intercourse in the three months before the survey. Of that group 46% did not use a condom, 14% had no contraception and 19% had used drugs or alcohol before intercourse.

Sexually Transmitted Disease

The CDC also has collected data on sexually transmitted disease and found that:

• Young adults between 13 and 24 account for 21% for all new HIV diagnoses.
• In 2000 the cases of Syphilis went from 31,618 to 101,567 in 2017
• Chlamydia has continued to increase from 7,584 people in 1984 to 1,708,569 people in 2017
• Cases Gonorrhea has gone from 363,136 in 2000 to 555,608 in 2017
• Chancroid is one of the few STD cases that have decreased. From 4,212 cases in 1990 to 7 in 2017

Domestic Violence

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) state:

• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.
• Almost half of female (46.7%) and male (44.9%) victims of rape in the United States were raped by an acquaintance. Of these, 45.4% of female rape victims and 29% of male rape victims were raped by an intimate partner.
• 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female.
• 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence

Cohabitation

• Women who cohabit are twice as likely to multiple head, neck or face injuries, and have a higher risk of multiple methods of physical abuse. 
• 90% of abuse happens to those that cohabit. Only 10% happens within marriages.
• In the Journal of Marriage and Family we found, Cohabitors tend to report poorer marital quality and experience more instability in their marriage than those who do not cohabit
• We researched the effects of cohabitation on children and found children born to cohabiting parents are more likely to suffer from social and emotional problems and are more likely to have lower academic success.

Fatherless

https://www.jstor.org/stable/3069659?seq=2#metadata_info_tab_contents state:

• A 1998 Wall street journal article states that fatherless sons are more likely to grow up with reckless and violent tendencies.
• Children that grow up without both parents don’t have as much parental, economic, and community resources, which makes chances of success in the future more difficult to achieve.
• Children do worse in life on average when they grow up without a parent.

• https://doi.org/10.3149/jms.0701.3,  Studies show that if a father has a religious affiliation he is more likely to be involved in his child's upbringing.

Our Proposed Remedy

That is a lot of depressing information that are related to sexual activity in some manner. We, the authors, believe that sex education is lacking. It is still important but for teenagers and adults to make wise choices they need to know more than how to prevent pregnancy or the risks of sexual activity.

Which is why we are proposing Relationship Education. Each week we will be posting articles to help inform on healthy relationships. Some of these articles will cover threats and issues in relationships touched on above. Others will be laying out what a healthy relationship and tips on how to strengthen a relationship.

If there is a topic or area you would like us to research and write about please feel free to comment below. We also welcome any other comments about how we can make these articles a more enriching and educational experience.