R.A.M Home Healthy Relationships

Alarm bells

In my junior year of college, I met a young man in the cafeteria. After a great conversation we exchanged numbers. Well I accidentally gave him my home phone number which resulted in a rather hilarious back and forth between him, my mom and me. 

Anyway, we finally managed to get on our first date. To me it seemed everything a first date should be. Relaxed and fun with us playing a game while talking and getting to know each other. Everything seemed perfect…. until he called the next day to setup our next date and tell me he was in love with me. 

Well, to say the least, it scared me, and I wasn't completely sure why it did. Why would I be unhappy that a young man told me he loved me. It wasn’t until I learned about the RAM model, which is discussed below, that I realized why such a declaration set of alarm bells.

It is so important that we teach our children about healthy relationships, by example as well as talking to them. By knowing what to expect it will make it easier for them, and us, to recognize red flags and then either fix the problems or get out of a bad situation. 

What is a Healthy Relationship?

We all have ideas what a healthy relationship is, usually built from our own relationship experience or what we have seen in other couples relationships. For the sake of having a definition we found a study that defined a healthy relationship is one where both partners have “skills of insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. . .”.

They specify how people need the “ability to think about the self, others, and relationships in a manner that shows (a) awareness of one's own and one's (potential) partner's needs, goals, motivations, and effects on others; (b) awareness of causes and consequences of behavior; and (c) ability to learn from experience.”

Those that have those three abilities “make better relationship decisions, experience greater security and satisfaction in their relationships, and be protected from symptoms of depression and anxiety” (Davila, 2017). If you are interested in reading more from this article, click here.

The R.A.M

After doing reading and research from various professionals in psychology and therapy we found that Dr. John Van Epp’s book, How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk, has some valuable principles of a healthy relationship that will last. In this book he offers some guidelines that can lead to a healthy relationship and also give insight as to where an unhealthy one is going wrong.

The RAM model is a series of five dynamics that should progress after the other in a dating relationship or courtship. If you follow these five steps in the right order your relationship is more likely to last and be healthy. The first step in this series is the “know” stage. In this stage you are spending time with this person and getting to know them. You ask them questions and talk about your interests, fears, your past, your dreams for the future etc..

The next stage is “trust.” Why would you trust someone you don’t know that well. It makes sense to go in this order. As you build emotional intimacy and get to know a person you naturally will start to build trust with them and eventually be able to rely on them. Rely is the third stage in the RAM model. As you get to know someone and trust them, reliance grows within the both of you.

The fourth stage is “commitment”. It is very common for young couples to commit to new people before they barely know the person out of infatuation. They dive in head first and give their all and sometimes give too much. When the stages get out of order it can cause heart ache and suffering.

The final stage is “touch.” Physical intimacy in a committed relationship is one of the greatest things. It brings two people closer to each other and creates a strong bond all because of the wonderful chemicals, dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals cause you to become addicted to each other. You can’t stop thinking about the other person and you want to spend all your time with them.

One of our authors have a story about how physical touch can get in the way of getting to know each other.

I met someone while cleaning the I-center. We flirted for a bite and then he asked me on a date afterwards. We talked a lot and I was able to get to know him well. During the movie he reached out and took my hand. 

As our dates went we kissed by the third date. It was too fast though. Our touch being to high compared to the other areas of a relationship. Only when he went away and we began a long distance relationship did I realized we needed to get to know each other more. It did not work out but I learned a lot about waiting for a bit before becoming physically involved in a relationship.

There is a “safe zone” in the RAM model. This means that you are following the order of the five dynamics, but that you also keep them in balance. For example, keeping the levels of knowledge above trust, the level of trust above rely, the level of rely above commit, and the level of commit above touch. When you get out of balance, it can cause an unhealthy relationship to develop.

Because it takes a few months for two people to begin to get to know each other, to notice behavior patterns or red flags, it is important to take your time. Take your time to learn about each other. If you give too much of yourself or show too much vulnerability too soon, you put yourself at a higher risk of an unhealthy and painful relationship.

Now that you know of the RAM model you may be able to identify characteristics within your relationship, or your child’s relationships, that may need to be adjusted. The RAM model is a wonderful guide for healthy relationship that not only will help you find that special someone but help you make it work!