Say Whaaaaaaa? : The Importance of Effective Communication

I stared at the screen in dismay as I read the message one of my friends had sent me. Once again there had been a misunderstanding between her and the guy she was seeing, who was also a good friend of mine. He had accused her of lying to him without really listening or allowing her to explain before leaving for the night. Unfortunately, it was not the first time something like this had happened between my two good friends and I ached for both of them as she explained to me what happened.

When a romantic relationship goes sour it is not uncommon to hear one or both of the individuals who were involved to say it was because they did not talk to each other or understand each other. The root of many issues in relationships begin with communication or the lack thereof. Communication skills are one of the most valuable things you can learn to help you strengthen the relationship with the one you love. So today let’s delve into what communication is and some skills we can practice.

What is Communication?
In the popular romantic comedy “Hitch” the main character played by Will Smith says, “Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth.”

Hollywood certainly did their research for that one because it is accurate. In a book called Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy it states that 50 to 80 percent of the meaning we communicate is nonverbal. ( (Robert H. Lauer, 2012) This means that a good percentage of what you say is through your body language as well as your tone.

You probably see this all the time. Saying “I love you,” accompanied with hand holding and gentle eyes really helps communicate the meaning. However, if the same phrase is said sarcastically, with crossed arms and rolled eyes, it takes on an entirely different meaning.

So, when we say communication, we do not just mean the words that come out of your mouth but everything that gives meaning to your words.

Communication Skills
Now that we have defined communication lets lay out some skills that we can take away and work on with our significant others.

Say what you mean and mean what you say
Since much of what we say is communicated non-verbally, as communicators, it is important to watch not only what we say but how we say it. What is our tone like? What about our body language? Make sure what is coming out of our mouth all matches up. Otherwise it communicates confusing and contradictory messages.

When having an important conversation avoid ordering, threatening, moralizing, providing solutions, ridiculing, accusing, analyzing or interrogating. To sum up, do not do to someone what would drive you crazy if it was done to you. All of those tactics can put someone on the defense very quickly which can impede communication.

Timing is important. I have often heard the phrase do not go to bed angry, but I feel it can be just as damaging to a relationship to try and talk when you are both angry, hungry, tired, or anxious. Sometimes it is better to wait for. Make sure and reflect on your mental, physical and emotional state as well as your partners before having an important conversation.

Listening
It takes two to tango. The same is true when communicating. The communicator is only doing part of the job. The other part is the receiver of the information. Too often people do not truly listen to the other person when they are talking to each other and it can cause many misunderstandings and conversations that go nowhere.

So how do we become good listeners? Here are some suggestions from Madelyn Burley-Allen a social science researcher.

1)      Be an active listener.  Watch your partner in order to pay more attention to what they are saying and pick up nonverbal cues. Maintain eye contact and respond with “I see,” or “I understand” or just nodding to let your partner know that you are listening to them.

2)      Do not get distracted. Distraction can be external such as a t.v. going in the background or internal such as something that happened during your day. Make an effort to put all distractions aside so you can be an active listener.

3)      Have self-control. Have a grip on your own emotions and thoughts. Often when someone is talking we automatically start thinking about our response and what we are going to say when it is our turn. Resist that urge so that you can listen properly.

4)      Make sure to clarify. Ask questions to make sure you are understanding what your partner is communicating accurately. Not only to questions help clarify what they are saying but it also lets your partner know that you are listening and paying attention.

5)      Summarize. You think faster than you can talk. Use this to process what your partner has said and then paraphrase or summarize what they said back to them. Like the questions it helps make sure you are both on the same page.

6)      Practice. You won’t learn these skills simply by reading this list. Now go out and practice them. Work on being an active, effective listener when you are conversing with your significant other and others. Eventually you will see an improvement in your relationships.

This list as well as other researchers that are referenced in this post can be found in the book listed at the bottom.

It can be frustrating when the other person does not listen in return. Be a role mode of what a good listener is and it will help teach the other person.

Happy Ending
I am happy to say that the friends I talked about at the beginning of the story are doing better. After they had both calmed down they came back together to talk it through until he understood what was happening and where she was coming from. She also made an effort to understand why he had been upset about the incident so she could communicate to him in a way that would help him understand.

I hope you all have learned something. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to share.

Good luck and work hard at your relationships. J

 Robert H. Lauer, J. C. (2012). Marriage & Family: A Quest for Intimacy. New York: McGraw-Hill.